Personal life update and apologies for not being present this week and last. I would like to be selfish and share my thoughts, lessons, and story with you.
If you have followed me over the past few years, you probably know I have some gut health issues. They were under control until August when I couldn't manage it and everything got out of control and finally in November I went for medical help.
My doc's office was difficult. I was told I needed to be tested TOMORROW for C@NCER and I had waited too long. They wouldn't give me anything because they "don't do bandaid treatments" and was calling a GI to schedule me a same day appointment. It was overly dramatic to say the least. The "you have c@ncer convo went on for 30 minutes. As a physician I also knew that I had zero signs of cancer and it didn't make sense from a differential diagnosis standpoint. She was just trying to scare me into testing while also refusing to order a CT, blood work, or even give me supportive treatment while waiting for testing.
Of course, they never called a GI to get me in so I had to call for myself. The next day that office told me that I just needed to eat fiber since I'm gluten free and scheduled a colonoscopy in 8 weeks.
I have been stuck in a spot between OMG YOU HAVE C@NCER and need to test tomorrow or "it's just fiber" since then.
Not a great mental, emotional, or spiritual place to be in and wait for 8 weeks.
I had my test two days ago, no c@ncer just the ulcerative colitis I knew I had. I cried a lot. Leading up to the test, waiting for the test at the center, and during the test before I went under. Thankfully, I had angel nurses who held my hand and comforted me. They were shocked at what my primary said and that they would say that while also refusing to order testing for me.
1. First, don't be like me an avoid testing for three years. Get answers, get a payment plan. If your spouse or kids were sick you wouldn't think twice about taking them for help. You deserve the same kind of care.
2. As a highly sensitive person, empath, and shamanic practitioner, I had some heavy work to do emotionally. Every time I thought about c@ncer I had to "cancel" the thought.
My controlling ego needed a list! So I made my "if I have c@ncer here are my next steps" plan. That was comforting. But as soon as I made it I had to emotionally separate and distance myself from that list. Easier said than done. But the most important part of my emotional healing.
Every time I had the vision of the doctor coming back and saying c@ncer I erased it, rewound the tape, and saw him coming back from my test and saying "everything looks great!" I did this about 100 million times a day for two months.
3. Aside from money, I had to do the deep digging on my feelings about the scope and what was really holding me back. Those realizations came at 1am on Monday night. I woke my husband up to talk through them, I mean cry through them. I knew my fears were unfounded but they were real.
The best thing he said to me was that he understood this test would be traumatic for me and didn't try to make it better or try to talk me out of how I was feeling. He said it all made sense and that he was here for me.
Working through that helped me understand the deeper pain, fear, and shame in my life. The ridiculous things that hold me back. Now that they are in the light I can keep working to heal them
4. In January I decided to make a "40 before 40" list! I had some fun with it, some stress thinking about it. Then I realized, omg what if I don't make it to 40? What if they are right about c@ncer?
Another 1am confrontation for most nights. A lot of deep personal questions that we all have to ask ourselves. Why am I here, do I believe I am here for a purpose, do I Believe my life has value or do I give up? Big spiritual questions that my spiritual practice and shamanic practice have helped with but not answered yet.
5. I didn't tell anyone except my husband and two close friends. I didn't want anyone to be putting negative energy, shame, guilt, worry, or adding to the negativity I already was creating. If you have a supportive family or network and they uplift you, share away and soak up the love! If you don't, you can have healthy boundaries and protect yourself and your energy. It is one of the healthiest things you can do.
6. As everyone recommended, I am looking for a new primary. I am looking into online functional medicine MD programs that also charge a membership fee like my practice. There are so many new and innovative options now!
I also called for my prescriptions and they were $1000. We have options and goodrx.com was able to get them down to $400. Don't be afraid to ask for options and help.
7. Find something you love that is just for you and your soul. I picked up painting a few weeks ago. I literally haven't painted anything but a wall since 3rd grade. But I stole my daughter's supplies and my dining room is now our creation center. I got upset with myself for my work not being at an expert level and I had to learn to relax and just allow myself to flow without judgement. To enjoy the process. To create and play with no outcome, need for perfection, or even thinking I have to be an expert. Even sharing my painting is terribly embarrassing but we all start somewhere and I can have fun and express myself!
I am still struggling with all of my questions, fears, and how I move forward. But I am proud of myself for conquering my initial hurdle of testing and going into phase 2 of my healing. I know that sharing my stories and journey helps others to be brave and step forward too.
Life is precious and valuable, I am glad you are here!